Top 20 German Jokes
Translated into English

Funny German jokes? German humor? Are you serious?! ;)

OK…so I know lots of Brits who think the Germans just don’t have a sense of humor…but is this really the case? 

Whenever my husband (who is German) tells me a joke I always tease him afterwards by not laughing - even if it is funny - and asking him “if that was a German joke?” That in itself has become a running gag between us now!

Just before we get to my Best 20 jokes, I just wanted to say that I guess the Germans are – on the whole - more serious than us Brits or at least that is the image they like to portray. There are always exceptions, of course!

In fact, my late father-in-law was the funniest, most jovial and laid back person I’d ever met. He was from Bavaria and I guess you could say they tend to be a little more laid back here than in other parts of Germany.

I think the Germans have a different sense of humour to us Brits and this often filters through to their jokes. They certainly don’t seem to tease one another as much as we do and they don’t tend to use irony and sarcasm as a form of humor…well not as much as the British anyway!!

As you will see below German jokes often involve light-hearted gags about different cultures, most notably the British, the Dutch, the French, the Italians and the Americans.

Fancy taking a look at some funny jokes in German and deciding for yourself?

Well, let’s go…

I have translated these German jokes into English for you.  I’ll let you know my thoughts on these German one-liners too as we go through them and if I think there is any truth behind them ;)


Top 20 German Jokes List


1.  “What is the difference between an English pensioner, a French pensioner and a German pensioner? The English pensioner reads The Times while eating breakfast and then goes to the golf club. The French pensioner drinks a glass of wine for breakfast and the German pensioner takes a blood pressure tablet and sets off to work. “

(This is sooo true. The Germans truly are workaholics!)

 

 

2.  “What are the two shortest words in the dictionary? German humor and English food.”

(Uhhh..no comment on this one, says the Brit J)

 

 

3.   “A Dutchman and German man were sat next to one another on an aeroplane. The German took off his shoes and then stood up to get a drink. He asked the Dutchman if he would like him to fetch him a cola too. The Dutchman said that would be very nice. While the German man was getting the drinks, the Dutchman spat into his shoes. Towards the end of the flight, the German put his shoes back on and then realised what the Dutch man had done. He said to him ‘Why do we always have this hostility between our two countries? …Spitting in one another’s shoes and weeing in each other’s drinks!!’”

(Anybody know a Dutchman who can confirm this type of hostility, please?! ;)


 

 4.   “A German and an American placed bets on whose house would be built first. Four weeks later the American said ‘Only 14 days and I’m finished!’ The German said ‘Only 14 more forms to fill out and then I can start!”

(I can vouch for this joke as we are currently building a house north of Munich…the red tape and bureaucracy involved is crazy!!)

 

 

5.  “Hell is the place where the English cook, the Italians control the traffic systems and the Germans make TV programmes.”

(Sorry, but I can also vouch for this! German TV entertainment is getting better, but, in my opinion, is still not on a par with some other countries…Oh and what is all this about English food… come on... it isn’t that bad!! ;)

 

 

6.   “Three astronauts from Russia, America and Germany were discussing which of their countries is the most pioneering in space. The Russian said ‘We are, as we were the first country to go into space’. The Americans argued ‘We are, as we were the first to put a man on the moon.’ The German said ‘We WILL be as we will be the first to land on the sun.’ The others argued that this isn’t possible as it would be too hot. The German, however, argued “We have already thought of this: we will fly at night!’”

 

 

7.   “This recent question was presented to a German national:  ‘What do you think is the biggest problem in Germany? Uncertainty or indifference?’  He answered: ‘I don’t know and I don’t care!’”

 

 

8.    “What is the difference between a Turkish person and a Bavarian? The Turkish person can speak better German!”

This joke is two-fold. First of all it is referring to the Turkish population in Germany many of whom originally came over as 'Gastarbeiter' (guest workers) after the Second World War. The second is in reference to the Bavarian dialect which really is very different to ‘Hochdeutsch’ (the standard German dialect). When I first visited Bavaria, which is located in southern Germany, I really didn’t understand a word of what was being spoken, even though at that point I’d been learning German for over 10 years!

 

 

9.   “A German teacher was talking to her students about some basic German grammar rules: ‘I go, You go, He goes, She goes, They go…Fritzchen, can you tell me what this means?’ Fritzchen answered: ‘Well, I would say it means they have all gone!’”

This is a German grammar joke.

 

10.   “80 per cent of all Austrians are happy with their neighbours. The other 20 per cent live on the German border.”

 No comment! I am married to a German don't forget! :)

 

 

11.   “An American, a Frenchman and a German were all sat in a pub together. Suddenly, Jesus appeared. The American said ‘If it’s true you can work miracles, can you please cure my injured knee?’ The Frenchman asked Jesus ‘If it’s true you can work miracles, can you please cure my terrible backache?’ The German then looked at Jesus and said ‘Stay right away from me, I’ve just been signed off ill for six weeks!’”

 

 

12.   “On which day do German civil servants work the most? On a Monday because they need to cross off two days on their calendars!”

 

 

13.   “Man: 'Boss, is it OK if I finish work two hours earlier today as my wife wants me to go shopping with her? Boss: ‘Absolutely not.’  Man: ‘Thanks – I knew I could count on you!’”

 

 

14.   “The Judge says to the accused: ‘You are charged with luring your neighbour into the forest and then savagely beating him. Do you not think you went a bit too far?’ Accused: ‘Yes, you are right. I should have done it beforehand in the meadow!’”

 

 

15.   “’Hairdresser to customer: ‘Your hair is going grey’. Customer: ‘No wonder when you take so long to cut it!’”

 

 

16.   “The German teacher asked Bini: 'What case is it when you say: Studying makes me happy.' Bini: ‘A rare one!’”

 This is also a German grammar joke and is a play on the different grammatical cases in the German language.

 

 

17.   “An Englishman on a farm. Englishman to farmer:  ‘Hello Mister’.  Farmer: ‘I am not the mister, I am the milker.’”

 This German joke is a play on the English word ‘Mr’ and the German word ‘Mister’. A ‘mister’ in German refers to someone who clears away animal excrement!!

 

18.   “A guest arrives at a restaurant and decides to order his meal. The waiter arrives promptly to take his order. The guest asks: ‘Do you have frog legs?’ The waiter answers: ‘No, that’s just the way I walk!‘”

I love this German joke! ;)

 

19.   “A man goes shopping: ‘I would like some underpants.' The sales person asks: ‘Long?’ The man answers: ‘I would like to buy them, not rent them.‘”

This is a play on the German word ‘lange‘ which in the original German joke could either mean ‘how long for?’ or ‘how long?’.

 

20.   “Berni asks her father: ‘Dad, what does a football player do when he can’t see very well anymore? Dad: ‘He becomes a referee!’”


So you think my German Jokes section was interesting, why not take a look at my Long German words list - you won't believe how many letters some German words contain!!!


Or why not browse my list of German proverbs...some very interesting ones here which shine a little more light onto the German way of doing things!


By the way, I've partnered up with the Rocket German Learning System in order to best help you learn German easily and effortlessly.

In fact, this process will allow you to master the language while only investing a few minutes per day on your studies.

Click here to learn how it works and how it can be of value to you. I've found it to be quite enjoyable.


Return from German Jokes to Learn German Homepage

Top Tips & Advice

Improve your German language skills today with my top tips for learning German. 


Longest German word?

Can you believe the longest German word contains no less than 80 letters?! 

Click here to find out which long German words are Guinness World Record breakers and which one involves this very famous European river! 


What's new!

Business German phrases for use in emails and letters as well as for presentations, meetings and phone calls. 


Learn German Numbers in this easy-to-follow online lesson. Lots of examples and tips on counting in German.